5.11.2012

things i'm afraid to tell you.


there's a feature floating around blogs right now called things i'm afraid to tell you. ez of creature comforts spilled her soul about some of the real things of her life in order to combat the everything's coming up roses epidemic that is so easily bought into by so many who read and write blogs.

it's strange - this blog world. it's so real, and yet - it's not. it's the internet. there's a real life to be lead 24 hours of every day and only the highlights make it here to my space. only the things i deem worthy to report on - good and bad kind of worthy - are here.

my blog isn't about a craft, an art, a diy project, no special skills or tutorials. it's about me. my life at home, work, church, dating, and the odd little things that make my life mine.  i blog three times a day about me. you'd think that would be enough to make this blog as transparent as possible. i can't think of another thing to share with you that would give you a deeper look into what it's like to be me. i've exposed the laundry pile. no doubt, you've been able to put the pieces together to figure out how often i eat out {bad, aubry. bad.}. you know that i'm a mormon, tried and true, up and down. you know i work for engineers and i love every second of it. i re-decorate my house often enough, it's as if i have 14 personalities living inside me. and i get out of town as often as possible.

i've preached it in the past and read it in handfuls of other posts - a blog can't wholly reflect or represent who a person is. but i've also heard from so many of my friends how easily their self confidence can be undone by a single post from another blogger. be it an enviable vacation, a well decorated nursery, a killer outfit post, or photo of a well behaved baby. these jealous/envious/comparitve feelings were not the intent of the forefathers {foremothers, really} of blogging. it's a cruel, self-imposed, twist applied to the game of blogging. a game that has no rules, no less.

since i both live my life and report on it, sometimes it's hard to recognize the parts i've left out of the reporting. lest i've let anyone come to a conclusion about my life that is different than the one i have, here are some things i'm afraid to tell you: 

1. i've come to terms with the fact that i may not ever get married. i come from a culture that teaches that the purpose of life is to marry and together with your one true love, bring life into this world, to raise them up right and fill this world with righteous souls. that might not happen here. instead, i'll add my influence to the righteous souls of those around me.  that also means i'm on my own - for home repairs, for retirement, for weekend entertainment. i made jokes for the first 27 years of my life that i was looking for a man who was saving double in his 401(k) - some for me, some for him. but a couple years ago, when the thought first occurred to me, i scheduled an appointment with a financial guy to learn about roth iras, mutual funds, and life insurance policies. i'd rather poke my eyes out with pencils than talk to strangers about my money, but as far as i knew, no one else was saving for my retirement, so i was on line to take care of it myself.  after every conversation {and there are many} when someone says, "your time will come" or "don't settle" or "you'll get married. i just know it." i silently say to myself, "it's okay if it doesn't happen." 

2.  i have two siblings who are so angry at each other, our family hasn't been in the same room together for more years that i can remember. as far as the eye can see, we'll never have a family photo, we'll never have a holiday together, and things will always be just a little bit broken among us. they've both been so firmly planted in their position, it's no longer a contest to see who will outlast who or who will bend first. i fear that they're stuck; atrophied in their pride. the mean feelings and hateful words have transcending generations by now, which hurts the rest of us - probably more than either of them are able to recognize. 

3.  i have a pretend like i'm asleep approach to problems. noises in the car, drips in the sink. in other words - out of sight, out of mind. things i don't know how to do become immediately overwhelming and i have a black-belt ability to ignore them. it's a horrible habit and always results in more time, more money, and harder work in the end. 

4.  i'm afraid of doctors. family practitioners, women doctors, all of them. so much so, i've never been to any of them. i'm 30 and i've never had a wellness check. i'm 30 and every single woman in my family has had some form of cancer. you'd think something as threatening as that would strike enough fear into my soul i'd be proactive enough to take care of myself. please refer to item no. 3.  ignorantly, the blood pressure cuff and the stats i receive every year at the company health fair about my cholesterol, blood sugar levels, etc. foolishly convince me i'm "healthy". 

5.  i only see things in black and white and i'm just now learning to be more tolerant of people who see things in shades of grey.  it's a blessing and a curse - good is good and bad is bad. i was given the gift of clarity. i saw how this leads to that, which will ultimately result in that. i sat in the same sunday school lessons with the same group of kids for 17 years. some of us went one way, some of us went the other. i had no compassion for those who were raised well enough to know how to choose wrong from right but chose wrong. jen's life and experiences, though, taught me that there's always more to the story than anyone else would/could/should realize and the the redemptive power of the atonement of our savior is ours for the taking. 

6.  i must have been abused in a previous life, because i can't help but view all men as attackers. my heart races and i play scenes of the worst case scenario when i run into one in the stairwell, an elevator, my eye doctor's office, even. he closes the door, dims the lights down low, and gets really close to my bubble. he's just doing his job, looking into my eyeball. but in my mind, i'm planning my escape... quick dialing 911... taking inventory of the guts of my bag, identifying what could most resemble a weapon. it's sick, i know. a terrible, and exhausting, way to live and probably does nothing but harm to that eternal quest of mine to find a mate! um, see item no. 1. 

7. there's really only one way to hurt my feelings: it's to disregard me or not spend time with me. if the love language test transcends itself across all types of relationships - not just the romantic ones - then i speak in quality time. and to not make me a priority, be absent when i call, text, extend a form of communication {whatever that may be these days}, to back out of a plan we've made, is to disregard the way i'm "speaking".  it so easily cracks the outer shell of toughness i apply as armor every single day.

8.  i listen to npr and watch the news every day, yet, i don't feel intelligent enough to hold my own or speak my mind about political issues.  in a political conversation, i shrink in the corner and nod my head. the same goes for the scriptures. beyond the basics, i feel inadequate to speak up in sunday school lessons. the chronological details of the book of mormon? forget about it. i know how i feel, but if i had to hash it out in an argument, discussion, debate, whatever you may call it, i'd melt into a puddle of nerves. my mom has always been well spoken enough to call into talk radio and speak her mind, defend her opinion. but when i try to do the same, i'm left with unfinished sentences, umms, and babbles of nonsense. i wish i could retain more of what i hear, believe in myself more, and speak my mind a little more about important things.



while it's the honest, true list of things from my life that have surfaced to the top that may have otherwise been kept submerged below, i hope something up there is helpful to someone, somewhere. if nothing else, may it bring a sense of humanity to this sometimes-cotton candy space of mine. may it be a little bit relate-able to you, strangers and friends alike.

15 comments:

Rebecca said...

you were born with a fear of men and a hatred of Mayo. Even when your daddy stepped toward you - your first response was to scream at the top of your lungs and run.

you don't do that on dates do you? This could be key to the success of your love life.

Sweet J said...

Besides any blog posts with Navy....this is my favorite post you have ever done.

Bravo.

communikate. said...

#3
#5
#6
#8

could have been spoken right out of my mouth. i was nodding my head along saying yep. yep. yep.

i love honesty posts. it's why i read the blogs i do. people that are straight up and not afraid to admit that all things aren't roses all the time.

sharing is caring.

Morgan said...

agree with 5 and 6.

Amy said...

Thanks for such a great post. It's so refreshing when someone is honest while blogging. I'm definitely one of those people who can feel envious or insecure when I read certain blogs and I appreciate your effort to keep it real!

believinginsomething.com said...

Okay, this was so nice to read! I was so well-written and so vulnerable. Thanks for sharing! I think very highly of you just from what I've read and to #8 was a relief to read. Funny the things we assume about people. I also can easily relate to the 3 and 4...:)

Emily said...

something i'm afraid to tell you:
i don't know you from adam and i follow your blog religiously. phew, glad that's off my chest! i found your blog listed on my fabulous friend craig's blog. i agree with and love so many things you have to say and may have fessed up to craig that i blog stalk you... he thinks we'd be good friends if ever given the chance to meet. thanks for the fabulous posts!

Corrina Baker said...

atrophied in their pride. well said. the whole thing. I too have no. 2 issues in my family. they sting. affect everyone. again, well said!

Melissa Juarez said...

I admire you soooo much.

Ryan_Griffin said...

Remember when we first met in Sunday school in Rexburg. I thought you and the other shanty girls were amazing. I still think you all are. I am so glad we became friends by trying to install a fan in your living room!

Donna said...

We may be twin sisters from another mister!

sarah marie. said...

i love your number one. i'm so sorry about your number two. i'm the exact same way with numbers five and eight.

heidi and tom said...

Love this Aubs.

hailey said...

this is exactly why i love the blog world. because i don't even know you, and yet i LOVE you. thanks for showing the world that being vulnerable is worth it :)

Charity said...

I just happened to stumble onto your blog today and feel like we may be the same person. Except number 8. I have the opposite problem there.