words.

funny thing. right as i started to type this, a friend of mine needed help with his words. "i need to fill out this form... there's this one question, asking for justification..." and the words fell right out of my mouth onto his keyboard. 

"those are good words," he said. "you phrased that perfectly."

so, just as i sat down to attempt to put into words my love/hate relationship with words, words and i had a high five moment.

there's a few things.

01. probably not unlike any profession, i have to use my words all day long. kind words in combat against angry words, simple words instead of complicated words. ask me to stand at the front of the room and explain the most complicated engineering technique to 100 outraged senior citizens, and i'm golden. but ask me how i feel, and i'm done for. my mouth gets dry, my heart pounds with such thunder, i'd swear you could hear it from across the room as it shakes my body into a nervous wreck.

02.  on the scale of love languages, words fall far far far below the other four languages. spend time with me, touch me, serve me, or buy me presents.  but don't talk to me. i don't feel love {or even a sense of confidence, if we're going to expand this into every seep of my life... work, friendships, others} through the use of words. i'm not sure if i really wish it was more evenly balanced.... words are just words. makes me wonder how i'll ever find myself in a healthy, happy relationship some day. words!

03.  written words are not the same as spoken words {duh.}. i flubber and stammer real words, but i can cut like a knife with my written word. i can tell you exactly what i mean, if given the chance to use my backspace key. and maybe we all get an extra dose of bravery when we get to type our words rather than speak them in real time, opposite another living, breathing human being. but i'm telling you, something about punching the letters on my keyboard cranks the momentum in my head enough to spill it with exactness.

04.  some people are sharp talkers. they say things they probably don't mean... or speak with a bite in their tone to the people they love... even though they love them. you know the type? i can think of a few right now.  those people scare me. their words scare me into a puddle of fright. i talk to angry people at work often enough. i'm always stunned to hear grown adults talk mean. mean words still hurt me like sticks and stones.

05.  i find myself hanging on every word as if it was spoken on purpose. there's no such thing as flippant words or "i didn't really mean it like that". words are on purpose in my mind, and my black and white mentality means every word counts. i don't know if that's supposed to make sense to anyone, but written words, non verbal words, casual conversation words... all of them get etched in my brain and i can't forget them. i have one of those photographic memories - except instead of faces and images, conversation and words leave an indelible mark in my memory. i could recite to you a back and forth, word for word conversation with friends from 13 years ago. it's a double edged sword... incredible memory... hard to forget things.

i'm learning to be tough, i'm learning to be gentle. more eloquent, more thoughful. words and i have a long way to go.